Picture this. You get invited to a VIP meeting with your senator, coordinated by a local tech organization. About 25 people are seated around the conference room table. You’ve come prepared with things you want to cover: healthcare, rollbacks on progress made toward gender equity and inclusion, lack of funding for women-founded companies and so on.
There’s context-setting, introductions, and then comments and questions begin. People are talking about AI and its impact on the workplace, education, clean tech and renewable energy. All good topics.
But you’ve noticed a pattern. Aside from the moderator, not a single woman in the room has spoken, save for the quick introductions.
This is a short meeting, only scheduled for an hour. Anyone wanting their perspective heard needs to be proactive.
And yet, the women—all senior women, mostly business executives and founders—are silent. Including me.
What’s going on?
We all had the same information, knew the purpose of the meeting and its background. Yet the women in the room were listening, waiting, until it was too late and the meeting was wrapping up. We missed our chance to put our concerns in front of an elected representative.
Why?
I know what was going on in my head: Let’s hear what others have to say before we jump in.
I also spoke with some experts to better understand the dynamics of the situation. Many agreed with my initial instinct that women are conditioned to listen before they contribute, something that can work against us when meetings are short and being heard means being aggressive.
Amrita Mukherjee, an EQ leadership strategist and founder of SHEvolution, offered three behavioral causes she sees repeatedly: self-doubt, fear of judgment and a lack of appetite for risk-taking.
Kim Groshek, founder of Human OS, said, “Many rooms are still socially organized to reward male-patterned participation. Men are often conditioned to speak early, stake a position quickly, and treat airtime as influence. Women, even highly accomplished women, are more often conditioned to assess first, avoid unnecessary risk and make sure their contribution is precise before entering the conversation.”
Carolina Migliaccio, founder of Soulful Moxie, also pointed to conditioning and the “fear of losing the ground we have gained.”
Bara Mann, life coach and speaker at BaraCo, talked about the challenge women have in meetings like this. “One big reason women stay quiet is that we’ve been taught not to be too loud, or else we’ll be unlikable. And unfortunately, there’s some truth to this; if a woman shows up identically to the alpha male in the room, it’s common for her to be labeled as abrasive or overbearing…”
Author, career and business coach Liz M. Lopez recently published her second book, “Permission to Dominate Your Success,” and said this is one of its central themes. “Women, no matter how qualified, will often refrain from speaking on a subject unless they feel they know it 100 percent. They will not risk being challenged or called out, so often, they say nothing at all.”
Executive coach and business owner Megan Johnson of MLJ Coaching and Consulting recalled a similar experience. “I was sent by my boss, the Chief Human Resources Officer, and the only female executive on a team of about eight, to fill in at a regular staff meeting.” Even after employing several confidence-building strategies, Johnson said, “Saying something felt like next-level bravery.”
How can we change this dynamic and ensure women have an equal share of voice?
1) Set the stage
Johnson suggested getting involved in the conversation quickly, even as you are walking in. “This makes it easier to speak up later.”
Michele Risa, CEO and founder of Collaborative Solutions, Inc., made similar suggestions. “Say hello to the others, shake hands, smile. This creates a psychologically safe space.”
2) Choose strategic seating
Monica Cohen, a business, culture and change expert, and the CEO of the American Cider Association, emphasized the importance of seating. “Time and again, I have watched as women enter a room and take a seat in the back or along the periphery of the room. Position yourself squarely in the center of where the action is… be it at the table or the front of the room.”
3) Speak up
Mann provided phrases to use to get involved in the conversation without coming off as abrasive. She particularly likes “I’d like to add…” and “The way I see it is…”.
Jessica Cumming, a master certified coach and success strategist, regularly challenges women from the stage to speak up at least once in every single meeting. “It doesn’t have to be the perfect answer, but you need to let your voice be heard. When women don’t speak up, they give someone else their power.”
4) Enlist the help of moderators and organizers
Creating a space of psychological safety is paramount to active participation from all. This can be even harder today when we have recording devices everywhere and AI parsing video, faces, and voices.
Megan Espinal, CEO of Social Reject, said, “Any psychological safety that’s been built within the room goes away when participants are aware that their comments will be clipped, streamed, and rehashed online.”
Rita Fuerst Adams, a leadership consultant who works with nonprofit and social impact organizations, also talked about the role organizers play. “To bring out the best in each person invited, the organizers must embolden each participant to be strong and vocal,” she said. The work to accomplish this starts well before the meeting. Her list of to-dos for organizers ranges from pre-meeting preparation and information sharing to greetings and welcomes that make each participant feel not just invited but expected and encouraged to speak.
Tricia Drake, a coach and business consultant who helps leadership teams “get unstuck,” suggested asking attendees to share their experiences first. “When you can speak from a place of experience, many people are more comfortable.”
Ambika Devi, founder, speaker and author, said that moderators should make eye contact with attendees and let them know they’re welcome to speak.
Back to the “why?”
Understanding why women stay silent is one thing. Why does it matter? Why do we care that all voices and perspectives are heard?
Migliaccio pointed to our duty to future generations. “As women, we have to be role models for the younger generations. If we’re not setting the example, then how will they stand up for themselves?”
But we also have a responsibility to ourselves. “If we don’t step up, then it’s a reason for others not to invite us in.”
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