I call it my Bed Bath & Beyond moment. I came out of the store and immediately started rehashing every word I’d just said. I felt compelled to do it—like an addiction. If I didn’t, I might repeat something awkward or inappropriate. Then, I stopped and thought to myself, “What am I doing?”
I decided to get in my car, drive away and never look back. From that moment on, I would resist the temptation to second-guess myself. I would trust that I’m okay the way that I am.
Where the inner critic comes from
Self-doubt doesn’t just happen. It often starts with your upbringing. One of the most important roles of a parent is to be a “mirroring object” for their child. How a parent responds—their tone of voice, words and body language—plays a crucial role in how a child sees herself. Mirroring that normalizes a child’s behavior, supports her feelings and expresses confidence in her abilities fosters a sense of competence, control and self-worth. Negative mirroring, of course, does the opposite.
Why you can’t stop overthinking
To make up for dysfunctional mirroring in childhood, many women (and men) unconsciously treat others as mirrors for a sense of self. Naturally, if you treat others as mirrors, you’re going to go out of your way to not upset anyone.
Women tend to do this by overthinking. They mind-read, second-guess themselves, anticipate other people’s reactions, self-criticize, compare themselves to others and overanalyze. Sound familiar?
In other words, overthinking is a coping mechanism to avoid negative mirroring. Women unconsciously think, “I can’t just be myself. I’m not good enough the way that I am.” If they stop overcompensating in their relationships, women are afraid they will fail or be rejected. In turn, they see failure and rejection as a reflection of who they are.
Ironically, most women would never talk to others as harshly as they do themselves. They wouldn’t tell their children or best friend, “If you want to avoid rejection and failure you have to mind-read, second-guess yourself, anticipate other people’s reactions, compare yourself to others, self-criticize, and overanalyze.
So why do women do this to themselves? I believe this is because women are more relationship-oriented. In her groundbreaking book, In a Different Voice, psychologist Carol Gilligan introduced two moral viewpoints: the individualistic perspective and the care perspective. She found that men prioritize an “ethics of justice,” centered on abstract principles and rules, while women prioritize an “ethics of care,” focusing on interpersonal relationships.
Furthermore, through centuries of cultural oppression, women have had limited opportunities from which to draw a sense of self. Relationships have always been the exception. Of course, it’s healthy for women to draw confidence from caring about others, but not to the point that it negatively impacts their mental health.
Tools to stop the spiral
How do you stop overthinking? Learn to self-validate. I have two techniques: “be your own best friend” and “the opposite of the Golden Rule.” (The good news: you already know how to self-validate—you do it for others all the time!)
Be your own best friend
Try this anytime you start being hard on yourself. Ask yourself, “Would I talk this way to someone I care about? If not, what would I say instead?”
Why does this work? Because when you talk to other people, it’s from a place of reason and values. When you talk to yourself, it’s from a place of fear and insecurity. You are accessing a different part of the brain. Emotions come from the limbic system. Reason comes from the prefrontal cortex.
The opposite of the Golden Rule
You know the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. The opposite of the Golden Rule is, “You have a right to be treated the way you treat other people.” When someone else is making you feel bad about yourself, ask yourself, “If the situation were reversed, would I talk to them the way they’re talking to me? Would I treat them the way they’re treating me?” If the answer is no, then you have a choice to make. Do you want to live your life according to your values or theirs?
I also tell my clients to think of people as carnival mirrors. Most people don’t manage or express their feelings constructively, so you rarely get an accurate reflection of yourself. In other words, you are basing your sense of self on dysfunctional coping and communication skills. Remember, if someone is giving you feedback and it’s making you feel bad about yourself, they’re probably doing it wrong. There’s always a constructive way to give feedback.
A simple way to regain control
Is it hard to ditch your inner bully? Yes—at first. You’ve been relying on it most of your life. When you ignore the bully in your head, it will get louder. But just like my Bed Bath & Beyond experience, you can use thought-stopping. Tell the bully, “I hear you. I feel your presence, but I’m not engaging in a conversation with you.” Keep your mind where your body is. No matter how many times your thoughts wander, redirect them back to the present.
Remember: you don’t need the bully to avoid rejection and failure. In fact, you never did.
For more on what real, practiced confidence looks like in action, read how Alyssa Dver demonstrates confidence at every level of life and work.
About the author
Elaine Belson has 30 years combined clinical, military, political and teaching experience. She’s worked in a variety of settings, including community agencies, hospitals, colleges and combat zones. At the age of 42, Belson joined the US Army, deploying to Afghanistan, where she served as the Executive Officer (XO) for Medical Command. In addition to private practice, coaching and public speaking, Belson hosts a YouTube channel called “Ask the Therapist with Elaine Belson.”
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